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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008
3:01 pm
21 Days
So I havn't posted in a month, alot has changed and I can honestly sit here and say I am a fully changing woman.
As of december 1st I took the last of my drug of choice and checked myself into fairview detox center and got myself clean. Followed my the recommandations of staff and doctors I went into the rehab center on the next few floors up. I am for the most part happy  and healthy (execpt this rediclus headache which wont go away). 

Second day into the rehab part Eric called me and asked if it would be ok if he brought the other woman home to our house for christmas, in which I relpied "I love you and care for you deeply. I only want you to be happy Eric and if this is what you want and will make you happy then so be it, but I will not sit here and pretend it does not hurt me and I will be moving after my treatment is finished." Well needless to say- I am going home on pass for christmas and she is not. I believe with therapy and much faith, prayer, and strength we will too over come this. If not I know at this time we will always be friends, but I am a strong woman who is able to stand on her own two feet and over come anything thrown my way with the support of my wonderful friends and family. 

Here on my birthday I am just so very gratful for 23 days of soberity, being alive after almost going into heart failure (which my family is still to this day not fully aware of), and having this second chance to be me again.

Well I am not suppose to be using this computer but wanted to reach out....I miss all of you and hope to be home soon, my graduation date is set for the 29th.


Current Mood: grateful
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
4:20 pm
I dont know how to do it.....
So as of this past weekend, Eric and I are no longer a couple. Grainted we sleep in the same bed, stay in the same house, but its done. I feel so lost, he has been my best friend for so long and to loo at him crushes my heart. I know I hurt him, but he hurt me too. By talking to another woman, who I know he desires, so I went a stray. But I just want this to be over- I think we are a this horrible point of not knowing what to do. He says he doesnt want to be with me because I trully make him unhappy- which with all do respect and understanding can understand. I have made him the center of my happiness which is not healthy, along with the addiction issue and struggling with depression, I cannot blame him.
I am going to be going through special therapy now, and focus on becoming a better me and mommy- that is all I can/have to do at this point. But I cannot let go of hope that Eric and I will be together again as a couple. I pray everynight to let him heal and me heal together as a couple. I pray though he is speaking with this other woman, which I know is just a sexually driven relationship, that he doesnt fall in love with someone else- I know that is SO selfish, I should be saying if I make him that unhappy I hope he finds someone who does- if I really really love him. But I cannot help what I feel, I love him. I want to grow old with him, be his lover for life. And if there is something I have learned anything worth having is worth fighting for- and I want to fight for this. I want to heal and become happy first most wether we end up togther or not- not only want but have to. But in the end I pray he will be by myside as my husband and partner for life. Only God and time know if this will happen.....but it hurts and it is hard to keep going. Bella will grow up ad move on in her life, and all I see if myself as alone missing that one, that soul mate I choose to let go by not loving myself or letting myself be happy with what I had. Please God don't let me lose him. 

Current Mood: sad
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
4:19 pm
fighting demons
 Its been a long time, as I have offten started journals out before I don't know where to begin. Life has been this horrible storm for me, and I feel like the little girl hunched in the closet without anyone praying for God to come and rescue her.
I close my eyes tight and just pray for a relief....relief of pain, abandoness, hurt.

Since I was a little girl all I wanted was a husband who would love me unconditionally and I him, and have children to love as I felt I never was. I wanted so bad that family I lacked. I wanted that love that I prayed for my mother would come into her life and make her feel whole and not so sad, seeing her sad made me that more determed that I was not going to be alone because that is the worst thing that could happen to a person, is not having someone of equality to share everything with.

I cannot say when it happened or even how, that I stopped loving myself (maybe I never trully did), or when I choose drugs over my soul mate and believed gift of a daughter from God- but I did. I did many things I am not proud of, I lied to the one person I should never have to lied to, I didn't come home, and my heart wondered. For this, I am so trully sorry- I never ment to hurt anyone, maybe except myself in my path of distruction.

As things have happened in my life, I guess I have always tried to fill this emptiness, this missing part. I have always blamed God for not protecting me from some of the horrible things that have happened, I know now I was wrong. In rebellion you could say I started to fill that emptiness with all the wrong things, from drugs to smoothering the person I love so dearlly to death out of fear her would stop loving me. This want to fill changed me into a person I no longer recongnize nor like. I have become hatefull, suspecious, and angery. That is not who I am, I am a loving, caring, out going person that could make a room laugh without even trying. Now, well now I struggle to smile. And unfortunitally took me going into a very dark place to finally see, see my pain, see the pain I am causing others around me.Some might be quick to blame this on my surgery, drugs and other such things, but it is not. It is lack of love, a love I had not been allowing myself to have for a long time.

Do you believe that one little thing, such as a book could make a profound effect on someone? Can it really happen? I think that is what is happening to me. I don't feel that need to fill an emptiness- it is being filled, if I let it. I feel that I don't need this drug or that to feel 'normal'- because that is not me normally. I don't feel the need so much to hold on so tight to those I love out of fear of losing them, they were put into my life for a purpose and I now want to enjoy every minute I do have with them instead of fearing it. i for once in my life, feel if I just give what little I have up, it will all soon be healed and I can start seeing the world as it was ment to be seen. It is time for me to heal, so that I am able to love as I am suppose to, and embrace all the relationships in my life.

Its been two days since, what I am now referring to as my blackest day. The day I watched everything I charished slip away. Now I know without a doubt it was God tapping me on the shoulder, and giving me another chance, but I cannot do it alone- cannot be independent. With hours passing and curousity of what will happen, I am trying not to worry. Instead I keep reminding myself it all has a purpose that I cannot possibly understand  and am not ment to understand right now. I am forcing myself to forgive, truley now that I can see the meaning in it. Forgive the wrong I felt has been done to be, but especially myself. I cannot change yesterday or two days ago, and yes I need to feel the consequences of my actions- what I did was wrong, but with the forgiveness of God and Eric I will be able to forgive myself, and move on to help heal my family because it is broken. God will help heal my broken family.

I know this is extermly out of the normal for me, I have always been a believer of God, but not trusting. I blushed and shyed from him alot. I bet some of thinking I may have gone "loony" but rest asurred I feel and know I am so far from it. I feel like I have a new outlook- not one of throughing the bible in peoples faces or anything like that, but one of a new understanding of relationships, especially one with God, and forgiveness and love.

If you have made it this far and I hope many of you who are on my list of friends do- please read ' The Shack'. I cannot put into words what this book has even done for me. But if you have faith (doesnt matter if you believe in religion or not this is not a book about religion) then you need to read this book.

Current Mood: awake
Thursday, October 9th, 2008
5:16 am
its 4 am, my depression consuming. I have no drive, no want to do it any more. I have failed- as a mother, girl friend, person. 
My boyfriend wont eveb touch me any more for I discust him, my child runs all over me for I have lost my authority. School just started  and I alright behind- and dont know how to get ahead. 3 Days they will be filling for us to be evicted and one more tardy at work and I get the slip. Mom is sick- grandma Pat had a heartattack

I want to numb the pain, just numb the pain
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
2:27 pm
After having a total emotional breakdown yesterday, I have a day off to get myself into sorts. I am not sure when everything started just getting so heckitc that I started to forget to take care of my simple needs.

I have been struggling with everything, mostly just asserting myself and knowing when to say sorry but I can't. But that is something that I have always have struggled with-  espeacially  with such dominating personallities I have to deal with including my own daughters lol.

Things have been alright at work it just they have been scheduling me way to far out and they dont seem to unerstand I dont/wont have daycare. Though I wish i could get her involved in something for her sake and my sanity.

My weight is still dropping, not sure why but I did do a day of food journaling and I only consumed 800 calories so since then I have been trying to keep it atleast 1100.

school starts next week,  I am super anxious and excited. I hope I can juggle everything. Thankfully Eric has started to be way more supportive, I couldn't be more thankful. We are hoping he will be able to get back to school this winter.

Well it such a nice day out I need to get the priness and puppy outside.

Current Mood: lazy
Friday, September 5th, 2008
6:55 pm
Three weeks went fast
Three weeks since my last entry, feels like 3 days. Seems like I got back from Texas things have been up in arms. I just don't even know what is what anymore.
I am 13 pounds under my set goal weight....and seem to keep losing. I am barley making my calorie intake, just not hungery and always seem to be moving. Stress finally showed it toll on me today- I emotionally just exploded.

Somewhere, somehow in the last 2-3 months I have lost control of things in my life. Some in a good way- but alot in a bad way.

I am not trying to manifest on the bad so....
I start school on 29th very nervous but oober excited. Thingas are going good with work when I show up lol I have overslept 2x now. i surley don't mean to but I did....I am sure stress has a hudge working in it all.

ok I know this is all so random but I dont get any time on the computer any more...and now once again I am being interupted so *sighs* I guess I will continue this later.

Current Mood: irritated
Thursday, August 14th, 2008
2:33 pm
we are in full potty training mode
so finally decided to  get this potty thing over with yesterday...... 10 min off potty 5 min on unless we went somewhere or sleeping....then she wears a pull up.

She seems to be adjusting perfect to this, she on wet 3 times yeaterday and used the potty 2 times. So so far so good we will see how day 2 goes wish us luck! 

Current Mood: determined
Monday, August 11th, 2008
4:03 am
I should be alseep
I am havig a bad   case of isomina......I am sure it because of tomorrow.

I go in for my fincial aid appointment, I am really excited. I finally feel like I am getting things on track. This has been something long awaited, but I don't think I was perpared until now. I havnt felt so drivin in a very long time. 

I got a free pass to a gym and have been using it almost every other day- the guy at he gym commented to me today that I was dedicated, I have to admit that made me feel good; I havn't heard those words in a long time either. not to metion it has boosted my energy almost 100%.

I am finding more paciatce (sp) with Bella, she is still having her meltdowns but they are becoming eaiser to calm down. She is having a tough time with the trasition to "big girl" and I totally can understand how that feels. Wanting to do all the big kid things without holding the responcablity- not suprising since both of her parents struggle with the same issues. I just hate to see her so sad and frustrated. I wish I could hold her in my arms like when she was alittle baby, and take all that away for her- but it is what it is.

Things with Eric have even gotten seemly alot better. He said he would be open to the couples counsiling, which in itself has somehow taken alot of preussure off of us it seems. Knowing that we are going to give it our all to make things work seems to give me, I know for sure some security and I think for him too. I am staying clean, and working on my goals is also been a postive thing for us. He is  now showing desire to go back to school and follow/figure out his goals, and nothing more could make me happy for him- he is such a bright and intellligent man; it something I have always admire about him an to see him flurish in this would be great.

So, besides working a new job- that I really seem to enjoy; doing inventory at stores for RGIS nothing new is going on and I think I am going to go lay down before I need to be up in 4 hours. wooohooo for me!

Current Mood: sore
Thursday, July 31st, 2008
3:02 pm
on a roller coaster
So some miutes in this  day seem to being going normal, no problems, good even. Then there are minutes of today that I just want to crawl out of my own skin and run away.
I hate when my emotions get go out of whack like this.....I know a big part of it has to do with lack of my medication, I have been a bad girl and havnt taken them in a week-only because I didn't have the cash to get it. Even worse part of all this my insurance is cancelled as of tomorrow, I have prorastnated and didnt get any of my paper work done for the county. Its all sitting in this big hudge pile on my "desk" I have been meaning to get at it all week but when I look at it all I can do it think of how much I don't want to do it and just feel overwhelmed of corse then end up doing nothing.

I will tackle it today! I mean it will all be late, but they should be able to reenstate my insurance within a week ( usually do) I have gotten alot of things done today. I visted MSB today seems like a good school for me and things would work well for me there. Its close by and the offer medial health managment which is what I want to get into- so got the ball rolling and hopfully back in school by end of september! I also went to LA fitness I had gotten a free two week pass and then they looped me into agreeing into a membership (which we need to do anyways and it was a good deal) but we should wait the two weeks to pay anything but I said tomorrow Eric got mad- which I can see his side but we need this positve thing in our life and he is bitching and complaining about me getting happy and taking care of myself and here I am and he has a fit. So I  guess whatever- I will get the membership I just need to wait a few more weeks and hopfully I can get some more hours so it wont be an issue. 

I am also dealing with a feeling I hate and never experinced before. But I am starting to to dread my days with Bella- she is just for cranky and unhappy. She wants her paci back and I refuse to give in and she is making me pay.........I thought to myself this mroning if we have another day of just breakdown and fits I will go crazy. I mean each day is getting a bit easier but I am at a loss I hate seeing her like this, I hate going through this. A mother shoul be able to enjoy her day with her child. But I know this shall pass I just need to be paitent.

well I guess thats enough bitching on my part.

Current Mood: sleepy
Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
5:46 pm
My poor Boopers

Recently Isabella has been acting out; Not taking naps, hitting when not getting what she wants, just fall on the ground crying fits for reasons I cannot totally figure out. I have tried everything I can think of to deal with this, but I am just to a point of letting her cry it out in her room-or freak out or whatever in her room until she chills out or knocks out.

I know there is some underlining reasons for the acting out. Eric and I have been having some troubles and she has seen us unfortunitly fight twice and cry several times. Also around this time we had just gotten back from our trip to Mexico, then like 3 weeks after that I took her to see the dendist who said her pacifer needed to go because it was starting to seperate her teethe (which is our bad for letting her have it so long anyways- but there was a incident where we had her almost off it all together and a babysitter didnt know the 411 and ever since the paci battle was on for us) so I had her give her pacifers to the paci fairy which brought her a big girl persent but she wasn't happy and really really acting out.

*sigh* I hate to see  my baby so sad and unhappy-she isnt a unhappy girl, plus its getting to be a long battle I am tired!  I hope this is over soon.

Current Mood: distressed
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
6:03 pm
Where do I trade her in?
 Currently I have a heeping pile of papers I need to sit down FOCUS and go through, and cleaning to be down around the house. I am starting my first day of work tomorrow morning at 4am, so getting in a nap would be a good idea because Eric wont be home until 10. 

Bella- lord knows I love her but in the past 2 days have been ready to trade her for a new one lol.

She is having all out fits I mean falling on the floor crying,kicking feet, screaming no everything about everything! Right at this moment is nap time. I know she needs one she isnt sleeping a full night sleep either......and yes I am pretty sure why she is acting out but I don't know what else to do.

Two nights ago I made her give up her Pacifers to the Paci fairy, she broke down and cried and protested. But it was all set in motion. So in the morning the "Paci Fairy" brought her a big girl present- my little pony and some dress up jewlery. She enoyed that and didn't ask for her paci all day until nap time then it all fell apart when I told her no more paci now she had her pony instead. So now everything has been a battle for me I ask her to do anything and its " NO!" and a breakdown, I think she is super pissed at me. She isnt acting this way towards Eric but he isnt the one who took it away either so I am at a loss.

Well got to go shes screaming again

Current Mood: aggravated
2:21 pm
tuesday appercation
Ive missed a few weeks time to get back on track....

I appercate:

~my true friends who have been a should instead of food in my recent time of problems

~Having my health, I forget so quickly how sick I use to be

~ My daughter's vivsiousness ( I dont know if I spelled that right) it truley keeps me active and daily reminder of why I had the surgery to get healthy.

~a chance to get things in my life starightened out, with every new sun shinning day.

x-posted to wls


Current Mood: calm
Friday, July 18th, 2008
3:25 pm
made it!
made my goal....

2:52 pm
finally home
Well I am finally back from my trip, it was a adventure to say the least. It had its ups and downs which was to be exptected when traveling with in-laws. What I didn't expect was my relationship to be in shambles when I got back, but I will have to get into more detail about that later. Eric and I are working on it...but its on thin ice. I am just happy to be home and sleeping in my bed.

Pics coming soon- I will be making a trip to the library this weekend and load them there. I hope all is well with everyone else. 

Current Mood: blank
Thursday, June 26th, 2008
12:30 am
Tuesdays Appercation
I appreciate my new growing patince phase
I appericate this chance to go to el paso- something I need at this time
I appericate my daughters energy(even if it test me) it keeps me active and gives me incentive to stay healthy
I appreicate the suport from my fiance and him will to give so much and make it possible for me to become healthy and happy

Current Mood: content
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
12:09 am
Yayas and Boos of the day
So picked Bella up from Myrna's and got a good report...she tinkled (alittle) in the potty!!!! go my big girl


Boo of the day none of the temp work for the next week and half is looking like it will work around erics work schedule and I cant afford a babysitter- nor have anyone close enough to do it. ;( 
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
8:03 pm
even though I feel guilty about it
The decision has been made I am taking a vacation to El Paso with Bella. Erics close cousin is getting married i believe the 12th, and Eric's mom (Maggie) really wants us to go so her whole side of the family can meet the baby and me. So she has offered to pay for the trip, but Eric can't get the time off, nor can we really afford it (evevn though my mom offered up to pay the differnce in our bills so we could go - if he could go I was shocked!) So Eric insisted I go with the baby, even though I said we should just meet half way and  let Maggie take her for a few weeks then that way I could work too, we could really use the money to start paying off our debts.....not ur our current bills beause we will be pretty much all caught up. Just debt-we are so piled in it I feel like were drowing but i refuse to file for bankrupsy. But anyways thats awhole nother journal post of bitching that will get me nowhere right now. So Eric says he wants me to go, it will be a good get away with all thats been going on. I can go back to a place of good memories, find a good enter, be around people who love and accept me and just have a good time. Then come home and start fresh.

I hope this is a good thing.....

Current Mood: excited
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
3:14 am
on the road to be potty trained
we covered her potty chair with stickers it went over well- she clapped after putting every sticker on. 
I explained to her that every time she put her popo and pee in her potty she would get a sticker and she patted her potty and said "popo and pepe in potty" she is so damn cute lol then she babbles something eles and says "pooh sticker" and i was like yep you get those when you use the potty so I think shes getting it.

We are all stocked up on pull ups and underjams cause she doesnt fit diapers.

Then another cute Bella story we went to the Library to get some more book and she was playing with other boys with the puppets and they were all going "arrr I am going to get you" to cute! 

Off to bed

Current Mood: sleepy
Thursday, June 19th, 2008
9:05 am
never listen
why is it some people refuse to listen, you try to tell them, and tell them, and help them, and they just keep fucking it up...and you warn them but they always need to hit rock bottom first I guess.

It just hard watching the people you love and care about go through it- you can't save them. 

Current Mood: sleepy
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
8:49 am
I dont think I have words
that was a night of fucking hell.........

I didn't think we still had slave labor, oh yeah techicnally it isnt because they paid me 9 bucks an hour.....I will tell you this next time you throw a nice little party and use plastic cups and so on from those party stores someone is in a very poorly ventaled loud ass factory standing on thier feet for 8 hours counting...bagging....and packing that shit for what should be considered minuim wage. That shit aint worth it, but I guess because I am a college school drop out without any useful traits I will be back at it @ midnight.  I need sleep.

Current Mood: bitchy
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